About 4 years ago I found myself in a very dark and fragile place in my life. Knowing what I was going through was going to be a challenge to overcome, I knew I needed a professional to guide me along the way. As I frantically search the internet trying to find a therapist that (a) was accepting new patients and (b) someone who was close to my own age so that it wouldn’t feel so awkward, wasn’t an easy task. I had a few phone calls with some potential therapist but nothing felt right. I then came across C (keeping her name confidential), who I didn’t know then would be the person that I would confide in for the next 4 years. I never spoke with a therapist before and to be honest I wasn’t sure if it was going to work for me, but I was willing to give it a try. From the get go her voice was so calming. In the short 15 minutes conversation we had I felt like I was talking to a friend. I felt like she just understood me and because of that I quickly let my walls down. I felt safe to share what I was going through, she just had a way to make you feel comfortable in her presence. From there I set up my first session in person, which I brought up a laundry list of issues I wanted to tackle. It was such an emotional roller coaster for me as I navigated all these issues and not knowing where to start. But C knew how to guide me through our talks to get to the root of all my problems.
Shortly after our first few sessions came covid and our sessions moved to phone calls which were still very much needed at that time. What felt like a few sessions turned into over 100 and fast forward to 4 years later and we have worked through so many difficult moments, all of which I am so grateful for. Looking back I can’t believe where I came from and where I am now and I owe so much of it to her. She believed me in, she challenged me and she showed me compassion which empowered to keep trying even when I felt like giving up.
This past February at the end of our session, C mentions that she is becoming a mom, and that she is closing her practice. And in that moment my heart shattered into pieces. I was so happy to hear that she is growing her family but all I could see was the last 4 years flashing before my eyes. All the work we did, all the emotions and heartbreak that she helped me through, that she witnessed, that she took part in, it felt so abrupt, like the book ended before the plot, like the door closed in my face, our time was done and there was nothing I could do about it. In a blink of an eye this person that I have created a bond with, who has seen me at my worst, who has picked me up (metaphorically) would be someone I can no longer confide in, someone who I could no longer speak to. She would become a ghost, a mere memory from my past. My world felt like it was crumbling. I wasn’t expecting this news, there was so much more we needed to cover, there was so much more that was going to happen in my life, that I wanted her to be apart of. Selfishly I wanted her to stay but she’s a human who has a life of her own and I understand the decision she has made for her family.
We decided to have our last session in person, to say farewell, I hadn’t actually seen her since before covid. Immediately as I walked into her office, tears running down my face, knowing it would be the very last time. I used the entire session to distract myself from the true feelings I was having so that I wouldn’t have to face it. At the end of our session I got up, not knowing what to do or say. As I wiped my tears I said goodbye to a women I admire very much and wished her the best.
As I sit here on this gloomy Tuesday now knowing that our time is up, I thank her so much for everything. She was a light in my life when all I could see was dark. She knew I had what it took to get me where I am today and I could not have done it without her. With a heavy heart, I say goodbye.
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