So as stated previously I accepted a job about 30 minutes away from my house. When I went for the interview I refused to take the highway so I took a bunch of side streets and man did that take forever. What would have been a 30 minute trip turned into a 45 minute trip. When I finally arrived there I was so shaken up from the drive but I wanted to push through my emotions because I was really excited about the position. Now if you have been reading my posts you know that I went to school to become and ECE and my passion is to work with Kindergarten's. However due to COVID it doesn't seem like the schools will be hiring any ECE's. I've applied to a few boards but never heard back. I accepted the fact that this year it wasn't meant to be, even though I was completely devastated. I worked so hard and came so far to get to this place just to not do what I have been trying so hard to become hurts. But I know I am not the only one facing these challenges so I decided to broaden my horizon and began looking at daycares. Since preschool would be the closet thing to Kindergarten, that's where I began my search. I probably applied to over 20 places and only heard back from a handful. Some places were way too far, some just didn't feel right but the one I ended up accepting, although I thought it might have been too far for me to drive to, I wanted to push myself because it seemed like the best option for me. I met with the owners and the other staff and they were so nice, it made my decision so much easier. I told myself that this was an amazing opportunity to be the lead teacher in the classroom and to gain experience in my field, so I was gonna suck up my anxieties and make it work, or so I thought.
Things began to go downhill a week before I started the job. I actually heard back from another company with a job offer. They were a private school looking for a lead teacher in a preschool room, they were located 10 minutes from my house and offering me $1.50 more then the company I was about to go work for. I was put in such an uncomfortable position because everything this new company was offering seemed so great but I am the type of person who follows through on my word and commitment so I didn't want to go back to my new employers and tell them that I was accepting another offer and leaving them stranded one week before I started. So I respectfully declined the position and stuck with my original job. My family members were so shocked that I turned down a better opportunity and one that was much closer to home but it felt like the right thing to do. Then the day before I started work my boss asked me to come in for a staff meeting in order to go over all the new policies and procedures in place due to COVID and to meet some of the other staff. This was the first time I would be driving on the highway by myself. The meeting ran a bit later then anticipated and it was about 8:30pm. When I got into my car it was dark, it was the second time being in that area and I was all by myself. I put on my GPS and just kept telling myself it was going to be okay. As I followed the GPS to bring me to the highway there was so much construction going on, it was dark, the signs were hard to read and I began to panic. I didn't know which ramp to get on and so I quickly popped a U-ey and tried to find the major intercession to take another way home. At this point I was a mess, I was crying, shaking, lost and terrified. Eventually I made it home but the drive was torture. This was the first sign that I made a big mistake, but I didn't want to give up, I wanted to push myself. So I put all that behind me and just continued with a positive attitude.
On the first day I was so nervous driving up there but I just kept telling myself I was okay. The day was so hectic, getting used to a new job is never easy. And the same for the second day. The third day was tough. I was really overwhelmed with some of the duties I had, some of the children were challenging and when I finished my shift and drove home I had a panic attack. There were so many emotions running through my head, I got home and just broke down. The following day I was asked to come in early (7am), so I was up at 5am, got ready and left my house. It was so dark outside it reminded me of the night I drove home from the meeting. I began to panic on the highway, I was holding back tears and trying to focus on the road. When I arrived at work I just sat in my car crying. All I could think about was how scary the drive way and thinking about winter time how the roads will be icy and filled with snow, how the sky would be even darker and how my commute would probably go from 30 minutes to 45 minutes if not longer. When I got home that night I had such a terrible feeling in my stomach, I knew I was way in over my head and I was so overwhelmed. My family could tell something was not right and so we talked it out. We came to the conclusion that this job just didn't seem right for me and that on Monday I should put in my two weeks notice. On Saturday night I was sick to my stomach, I had this message I needed to tell and I had to wait till Monday. I kept playing the meeting over and over in my head, how it would go down, what would their response be, what will the other staff think and so on. That night I had to message my boss to tell her because it was eating me alive. I didn't like the fact that I was quitting on her, I felt terrible, they choose me to do this job and I accepted it knowing it was going to be a challenge. My mental health was put through the ringer in those 4 days so I knew I had to do this for my own good.
Come Monday I wake up at 5am for my 7am start with knots in my stomach. I told myself I had 10 days left and to just push through the anxiety. At this point my boss knew I was quitting and so I tried to be extra nice and do a really good job to make up for how terrible I felt. The day went by and it was time for me to go back home. There was an accident on the highway so the GPS told me to take side roads. Thankfully it was sunny so I wasn't afraid, or so I thought. I was turning here, turning there, up this road, it was a mess. I started to get freaked out and ended up having a melt down when I got home. At this point I was so exhausted mentally, physically and emotionally, I didn't know how I was going to do another 9 days. I cried for the rest of the night until I fell asleep at 8pm. I wake up this morning with the feeling like I was going to puke, I rolled out of bed at 5am and went to the bathroom. I looked at myself in the mirror, dark circles under my eyes, tears running down my face, I just dropped to the floor. My mom came in the bathroom and saw me, she was so terrified she said, "This has gone on long enough, this is not healthy for you, I know you feel bad quitting on the spot but you cannot continue like this, call your boss and tell her you can't come to anymore shifts." I kept contemplating what to do but unfortunately I called her and told her what was going on and thankfully she was so understanding. And then all of a sudden a rush of emotions flooded. I started thinking about how I felt like a failure, how I've been in this exact situation 2 years ago and that it was happening all over again, how my fears and anxieties get the best of me and makes me feel like giving up. These past 2 weeks have been such a struggle for me and I've tried so hard to fight my emotions and not give in but sometimes you have to set boundaries for yourself and it's okay to give in if it's effecting your health. The one thing I learned is that happiness and health is so important and if you aren't happy with your job or certain aspects in your life then it effects your health both physically and emotionally.
After quitting earlier this morning for the first few hours I felt terrible, ashamed and defeated but now as I sit here and write this I am starting to feel better. I know this was the right choice for me, unfortunately it put my boss in a bad situation but I know she will make it work. What's important is I start taking some time for myself to decompress before I start jumping in to the next position. What I learned from this experience is that when applying for a job it's important to take into consideration every aspect of the job; responsibilities, commute time etc. Especially for me because of my anxiety I have to consider all the facts so that this won't happen because in the future. There is nothing wrong with being afraid of driving, however in order to overcome this I need to take baby steps. I need to find a job close by so that I can build that confidence, rather then jumping to the extreme. I know with time I will heal from this experience and I will take all the lessons I have learned and apply it moving forward. I emailed my therapist and told her I was having a really hard time so hopefully she can squeeze in a session with me to help me process these feelings and guide me to a better place. Thankfully I have such a supportive family who always want the best for me. My mom was home today so she has been helping me through this and even going to get me Starbucks which will always put a smile on my face. I'm hopeful for what the next step in my life will be and I will continue to learn and grow, after all I'm only human.
Anyway thanks for reading my rant today. I hope those of you who struggle with anxiety know that you are not alone, don't give up, you are stronger than you think and it will get better with time if you work at it.
Deanna
Wow Deanna! Your blogs & insights are so inspiring! Thanks for sharing. Never stop writing.
ReplyDeleteHey thanks so much for reaching out. It makes me so happy when people enjoy my posts! Thanks for reading and keeping up with me :)
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