Just wanted to come back on for another little rant today. So much is going on and when I blog it helps me put my thoughts together. For as long as I can remember my mind works on hyper speed, all of these thoughts rush into my mind and I become super overwhelmed. It's hard for me to de-escalate after a rush of thoughts, feelings and emotions. It's hard for me to reason with myself, even though to others the situation doesn't seem like a big deal. There's really no explanation as to why this happens to me, you would think the amount of times it has happened that I would learn how to cope. But each time it happens to me, it's as if it's the first time, all reason goes out the door, thoughts flood into my mind and my anxieties start. Throw COVID into the mix and imagine how much of a mess I've been. Every day there's something new to be said. One day numbers are low and we can see the light at the end of the tunnel, and the next day were right back to how it's been. How can a society move forward and heal when things are still so all over the place. I've been fortunate enough to not have been working through COVID. I've been lucky enough to be living with my family and not having to go out to get groceries or cleaning products. I've been able to stay at home and do my part to limit the spread. But now with schools and daycares opening up at full capacity I've come to terms that this will be our new normal for some time. If you read my last post I discussed having two options, getting out of my bubble and working, or staying at home and continue waiting. So I decided the most logical thing to do would be to get a job, so I started looking and have actually accepted one. I am so excited to get back to being with kids but at the same time I am still so frightened by the unknown. We are hopeful that returning to full capacity we will be able to keep ourselves, children and families safe but we really don't know.
If you read my last post I said that I was going to step out of my comfort zone and go to the grocery store. Well I did it, I went to Walmart with my mom on Saturday to do some shopping and at first I was so nervous but eventually I just let it go. I had my mask on and made sure I didn't touch my face. When I got out I sanitized my hands before getting into the car. What really pissed me off while I was there was the amount of people wearing their masks wrong. Some people had it only covering their mouths, so their nose was exposed. I even caught a handful of people with the mask under their chin, so literally covering nothing. I would turn to my mom and say, wow I didn't know COVID came from the chin, luckily he's covering that to protect me. If we have any chance to end this nightmare anytime soon, people who feel unwell should be staying home and for others to wear their masks properly to protect themselves and others. I took another step out of my comfort zone on Sunday, Joseph and I decided to go out for lunch. We ate outside on the patio and thankfully it wasn't too busy so I felt pretty comfortable. I'm really happy that I pushed through my anxieties and went. Every time I open social media all I see are people enjoying themselves, having a good time, going to restaurants or having parities in their backyards, it was time for me to do something and enjoy myself.
We don't really know when this will be completely over. The Health Minister of Canada said we could expect this for another 2 years. It blows my mind that this has been happening to our world. Like how do I even explain this to kids? Like a whole year of quarantine, a world wide pandemic. I would have never thought this would happen. When COVID first came to Canada and they started shutting things down, I honestly thought a month and everything would go back to normal. I'm hitting 5 months of being home, almost 5 months of never stepping foot into a store. When I came back from Walmart I thought I had a sore throat, and for the rest of the night I had to fight with myself to say that it was all in my head. My anxiety makes me believe things when they are not true and it is extremely difficult to fight anxiety with logic. Another concern is when I start working full time around kids, around families and other staff, everyday I am going to fight myself from thinking I have COVID. The slightest tickle in my throat, it's going to set me off the edge. I'm going to come home in a panic, I'm going to shower in boiling water and scrub myself clean. The only way I will get through this and make this work is I'm going to have to change my mindset. I cannot go in there thinking I'm going to catch COVID, or else I will not be able to do my job. I am a professional and I will not let my anxiety change the way I work. I'm going to take precautions and that's all I can really do. Like stated previously the only way we are going to end this is that if people are not feeling well they stay home and everyone else wears masks. We have to rely on people doing their part by staying home to not spread the virus, that's a lot of trust to put on people. There are many people who think this is a joke, and those are the people who will put others in jeopardy with that type of mindset.
So as you can see from the start of this rant to the end how many things are running through my head, and that's not even all of it. These past 5 months have been so difficult, so stressful and emotionally draining. There are things I think that I would have never thought I would think in my life time. Being scared to leave my house because I think I will caught a virus, that's only things you see in the movies, but now it's real life. These past 5 months have felt like a nightmare and I'm waiting to wake up so it can end. Everyday I deal with a new thought, feeling and emotion and I'm trying my best to overcome it. I hope that everyone who is dealing with mental illness is getting the help they need during this time. Our mental health is so important, and if we are suffering mentally, it can effect us physically. I'm grateful to have friends and family to support me and for my therapist who helps me grow and learn how to cope and manage my anxiety. Stay safe everyone.
Deanna
So pretty! How tall are you?
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