It's been a minute since I have made a post so I thought to jump on here and give a quick update. So much has been going on since the last time I posted and I was definitely in need of some venting. Since Joseph and I got engaged in August, I have been in the process of wedding planning (something every girl dreams about since they were a little girl, or at least me lol). We have secured our venue, picked a date and booked our church, so this is happening!!! In October we did a little mini engagement photoshoot just for fun and the picture's came out amazing. It was such a great experience and nothing we've ever really done before as a couple so it was nice and I'm happy we will have these picture's for a lifetime. However, I quickly realized how overwhelming and stressful this process can be and I've actually taken a step back to just give myself some time to chill. You really don't realize how much goes into this one day until you're in the front seat. I would say I am a pretty organized person so it wasn't the actual planning that was stressing me out, rather it was when it came down to making a decision. As you may know I struggle with decision making and I'm really hard on myself when I make a decision and things don't really work out. And because this is my wedding there really isn't any room for screw ups. I want everything to be perfect because this day only happens once (hopefully lol). Now I know my therapist would be telling me right now that not everything can be perfect, and that some things are out of my control and there really is no reason to be stressed and overwhelmed about what should be one of the happiest day's in my life. And I totally agree, this process should be fun and it has been, but it also comes with its challenges. I hope by giving myself a break from planning that once I get back into it, things will hopefully be more clear and fall into place.
Another stressful event in my life right now is actually my job. At this point I have been contemplating leaving this profession. I love working with kids and if you have been following my journey you would know how hard I have worked to get to where I am today. You're probably thinking, "What quit? There's no way!" And honestly deep down inside I feel the same way. Like how did I get to this point where I am debating if this is a career I can do for the rest of my life. It's been scary and terrifying to deal with these thoughts and feelings because I wouldn't even know where to start if I decided to leave. I thought I found my passion and something that I was happy to do until retirement but the last few months have really opened my eyes to what this job actual entails and I don't think it's something I can do long term. As much as that breaks my heart, I have to do what's best for me and my family. I have a lot of thinking to do.
Next on the list I've been struggling a lot to find motivation to do things, and I'm not sure if COVID has a part in this equation but it's been challenging for me to find things that I enjoy. These days all I want to do on my free time is watch tv and relax. Small things, even like going to the grocery store, which is something I do enjoy, is becoming something that I dread to do. If you know me well you know how much I love Christmas. I'm usually the first one out of my friends and family to start decorating the house. I love to listening to Christmas music and baking cookies. Just yesterday I put my tree up and only because my Dad went to get it in the basement and practically forced me to help him decorate. I have not yet made a single cookie which is CRAZY because I love to bake. It's so odd to me that things which usually brings me such joy, are things that I am not interested in doing. Now it could be the combination of work, wedding planning and just lack of free time that's making me unmotivated but I'm just not really liking the feeling.
If you have been watching the News you have probably heard about the new COVID "variant". Honestly at this point it feels like when we start getting better and what is actually feeling more normal, we are back to square one. I am honestly so frustrated about this and I know everybody else is too. Now I have taken COVID very seriously, probably more serious then most, and that's my prerogative. Everyone is entitled to their own feelings, choices and beliefs. I was very cautious during this pandemic and although I missed out on some things in my life, I felt safe and that's the most important thing to me. As things started opening up I began to loosen up a bit, I started seeing friends and family more often, I also was more comfortable to eat indoors and I'm glad I pushed myself. But now with this new "variant" I'm not even sure how to feel or what to do. I'm afraid of another lock down, I do not want to regress from all the process I have been making and I don't want to miss out on seeing friends and family especially since we are so close to Christmas. This past Thanksgiving so was sweet and special beause it was the first actual celebration where we were able to sit down as a big family again. It would be really sad if we weren't able to do that for Christmas. It upsets me because we have come such a long way, it's been almost 2 years since the first COVID case was documented in Canada and I can't accept the fact that after almost 2 years we haven't kicked COVID's butt yet. I'm really hoping we can figure out how to move forward without having to shut down.
So put all the doom and gloom to the side for a second because I am looking forward to a lot of things. First off winter break (when schools close between Christmas and New Year) is in 15 days, so I got a good 14 days off until I have to go back to work. Now for the people who are probably like, "Wow must be nice to stay home during the holiday's", I don't get paid to stay home. I'm also starting my dress shopping hunt in the New Year so I'm really excited to try on dress's and hopefully find the one that I will wear on my wedding day. I'm hoping during the winter break I can relax, bake, spend time with family and friends, possibly get some wedding planning done and try to get back into the right head space and start the New Year off in a positive way.
As always thank you for reading and keeping up with me, until next time.Deanna
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