Motherhood

On Sunday August 17th at 2:31am our precious baby boy was born. After 17 hours of labour our little man finally entered the world. As soon as I heard his cry knowing he took his first breath, I finally felt like I could breathe myself. When the nurse placed him on my chest it all began to kick in. This baby that grew inside me for 9 months is here at last. All the worrying, the close calls, were finally behind us, and now we are responsible for keeping him safe out here. A part of me missed the thought of him inside me. Watching my belly slowly grow, knowing that I was creating him one body part at a time. Watching him on the ultrasound monitor and listening to his heart beat. Feeling his kicks and hiccups. In those 9 months as I was growing him inside me I was protecting him from everything out here. The world can be a scary place and just reflecting on what myself and my husband have been through in our lives makes me want to ensure that our baby is protected, safe and loved. I want him to know that no matter what he decides to do in this life time that his Dad and I will always be in his corner cheering him on.

I started writing this about 2 weeks after I gave birth and while I had a lot to say then I'm glad I waited a little longer to finish it because I have so much more to say now being 3 months postpartum. Looking back now, the first month is a blur. In the moment it's so heavy; recovering from delivery, caring for a newborn, watching your marriage change. I remember a few days after he was born I said to myself, "What the hell did we do?" There were many instances where I was filled with doubt, regret, sadness. Not because I didn't love my son or not because I wasn't happy to be a Mom, but because in matter in 24 hours my whole world was flipped upside down. No matter how many moms you talk to, how much research you do, how many books you read, there is no way of physically, mentally or emotionally preparing for what its like to care for a newborn. 

My delivery was not easy, I was induced a week early due to some high blood pressure concerns and so I was scheduled to have a balloon inserted to help dilate me on the Friday. My husband and I waited 4 hours in the hospital until we were finally taken into a room only to be told that there was no balloons left and to go home and come back tomorrow to be given Pitocin (a medication that induces labour). So we were already not off to a good start. The next morning I arrived to the hospital and was taken to the deliver ward. The OB came in with a hook to break my water and after about an hour they injected me with the Pitocin. I was told by the nurse that contractions will come on fast and strong. I was planning to have a natural birth but I wasn't apposed to an epidural if the pain became too unbearable. But I wanted to give it a shot on my own. I was told to go for a walk as it would help with the contractions. At first they were coming on every couple of minutes. I would have to stop walking, hold onto the wall, breath and let it pass before walking again. Although very painful I felt like I could handle it. After about an hour the contractions got stronger and closer together and I was becoming weaker. I was having a contraction every minute. I truly have never been in so much pain. I knew if I did't get an epidural I wasn't going to make it. The anesthesiologist came within minutes and the needle was in. I literally didn't feel a thing because the contractions were so strong and so frequent that I was distracted by that pain to notice the epidural. Then things got really slow, but I was able to rest and watch tv so it gave my body the time it needed to get ready for delivery. Finally after 14 hours it was time to push. There was only 1 OB on call so although I was ready to push, the OB was in surgery and I was told by my nurse I could not start pushing until the OB came. At this point I had to let the epidural wear off because you cannot push if you are numb so I was feeling everything. After an hour of waiting it was my time to push. The OB came in and we began. Before the baby was born I did all the prep work to ensure a smooth delivery. Pelvic floor therapy, eating dates, raspberry leaf tea etc. Anything to help get him out as fast as possible I did. Well I hate to break it to those who haven't had a baby but clearly these did not work for me. I pushed for 2 hours, baby boys head got stuck so maybe that's why it didn't work just due to anatomy? But all that prep felt like a waste in that moment. I was so ready to give up, I was so tired, I was hungry too because they don't let you eat. But at 2:31am Adriano finally arrived. I developed a fever and my blood pressure was even higher after labour so I was given medication and was being monitored. Adriano was born with jaundice so he was also being monitored. We were in the hospital for a day before they told us it was time to go. It felt so rushed, that was the part I really didn't like. But we needed to go back daily to the hospital to check on Adriano's jaundice to see if it was getting better or worse and thankfully everyday we went it was slowly going down. But it took about 2 months for him to fully recover from it.

Before my son was born I had the anticipation to breastfeed but after hearing so many of my family and friends go through it and not be able to produce enough milk, I had a feeling I would not be successful. Boy was I wrong. A few weeks leading up to my sons due date I was leaking quite a bit. I also had friends who leaked prior and still didn't produce enough milk so I wasn't banking on it. As soon as my son was born the nurse put him on my chest and told me to try to breastfeed him. Immediately he latched on, it was so amazing to watch this little baby, only a few minutes old, just latch on and begin drinking. Like he already knew exactly what to do, it was astounding. He had a tongue tie issue so it actually hurt very much when he would latch on. He didn't get it fixed until a few days after he was born so I had to suffer with the pain to the point where my nipples were bleeding. I was breastfeeding him every 2 hours, 30-40 minutes at a time, so if you do the math I wasn't getting much breaks in between to rest and recover. The lactation consultant came to visit me the next day and she was amazed by how much milk I had. She actually said to me that I had enough milk supply to feed twins. Now while this sounds really lucky to be able to produce that much milk, it had its downsides. Because I produced so much milk my breasts were massive and painful. At the beginning babies stomachs are so small they can only drink a small amount at a time and because of that my breasts were not able to get enough relief that they would hurt. Then I was pumping in between feedings and freezing it so I could get rid of some of the milk and while it felt good in the moment, it was signalling to my body to continue to produce more. It was an endless cycle. During that time I was still healing post delivery. I wasn't able to walk much, couldn't go up the stairs, was wearing a diaper and leaking through shirts multiple times a day while pumping in between breastfeeding my son every 2-3 hours. Needless to say it was exhausting. Not to mention I wasn't able to go out much because I needed to be back in time to breastfeed him. After 2 months of this I decided it was time to stop. I was so physically and mentally drained I couldn't function. Not being able to have someone else feed my baby to give me a break was pushing me past my limits. I wanted to breastfeed for as long as I could but actually being the sole provider for my son was a lot more challenging then I anticipated. We began giving him my frozen milk and supplementing with formula and what a difference that made. Being able to go a few hours at a time without having to get up to feed him gave me a tremendous break. It took a few weeks for my breasts to decrease in size and my supply. Now I pretty much have nothing left. At first I felt so guilty, I would tell myself it's my job as a Mom to provide the best for my son so I should continue to breastfeed as long as possible. And everyone will tell you that breast is best, so when I convinced myself to quit it was so difficult to stop knowing I am giving up something thats the "best" for him. It made me feel selfish and like a bad Mom. Over time I began to feel better about the decision as it gave me more freedom and rest. At the end of the day I would just keep reminding myself that a healthy Mom is what's best for my son and not what feeding method I choose. Currently my son is 13 pounds, is thriving, growing and doing so well. 

I see a therapist for anxiety, I have been for the past 6 years. And while I was pregnant we talked a lot about postpartum depression. I had a feeling I would have some variation of it since everyone handles it differently but I didn't expect it to hit me as hard as it did. The first month was truly the toughest. As mentioned before I was going through a lot. On top of that these intrusive thoughts of regret and not feeling as happy as I should put this dark cloud over me. I knew these thoughts weren't real and I knew my hormones were all over the place but regardless these thoughts were loud. I posted on Instagram and also on a Facebook group for Moms and I was so thankful so the amount of women that reach out to me to share their experiences and express how everything I was feeling was normal. It was honestly so nice to connect with other women and have that kind of support, it truly was a saving grace. 

If you know me you know that I am a perfectionist. I like to have control and I am usually really good at the things I put my mind to. Also being an ECE I felt like I had a bit more experience and knowledge then the average person so surely I was going to be a great Mom. Well not so much lol. When you go home from the hospital your whole world flips upside down. Everything you think you know goes out the window. Every baby is different, everyone's delivery and postpartum recovery is different. Add that all together mixed with pure exhaustion and you have an out of control person who is craving an ounce of control. I was really hard on myself the first month. I doubted every decision I made. Felt guilty from wanting a break or wanting to get out of the house. I felt like after 2 weeks when my mom and husband went back to work that I would have it all figured out and be in a good routine. Well unfortunately a two week old baby doesn't have a routine and the inconsistency was what I was really struggling with. Eventually as he got older he fell into more of a natural routine and it’s been working so far. He has good days and bad days (more bad days then good days), but I've learned to be a lot more flexible. Something that I've never really liked to do but in order to keep my sanity I had to adjust and adapt. My son now calls the shots and I'm just here to make sure he's alive and well lol.

I can go on and on talking about my experience for the last 3 months but I think I've shared enough. What I really want to accomplish here is to share my journey of motherhood with others and whether I connect with a Mother whose new to this like me, or someone way more experienced or a soon-to-be-mom. I think there is so much power in sharing and connecting. We don't have to do this alone. The more we show up and support one another, the less daunting and scary this has to be. I can't imagine all the Moms I know who have gone through this before me who potentially suffered in silence, hide behind a smile, seemed like they had it all together then they were in fact falling apart. It doesn't have to be that way. So if anyone who reads this wants to connect I am always here to lend a listening ear. 

Motherhood has changed me and I'm sure I will continue to evolve in each stage I go through. Right now it's hard because everything is so repetitive and there's not a lot of emotion from him other than crying and the occasionally smile. So it can be really upsetting when you are pouring all your love, energy and time into something and not really getting anything in return but its temporary. I cannot wait for Adriano to hit milestones like rolling, crawling, walking, talking, I just know that it will fill me up with so much joy and bring me such a sense of purpose.

Until next time...