Let's talk

So I needed to vent today and what's a better outlet then my blog, so here we go. This morning I got up at 5:30am (not by choice), when Joe's alarm goes off I usually wake up to say goodbye. As a supply I can be called the evening before or even the morning of a job. Last night I didn't get a call so I knew there was a good chance that I would be getting a call this morning. I couldn't fall back asleep once I woke up because I was so anxious and nervous. I prefer to get a call the night before so I can mentally prepare. I always prep my lunch and supplies just incase I get a call in the morning so that I don't have to rush. Yesterday was the first day to school since winter break and I was lucky enough to get a job for the day. I wasn't really expecting to work since it was the first day back, but hey I can't complain. I had a therapy session Monday afternoon and a lot of the conversation was around going back to work. The whole month of January I had a contract which allowed me to work from home during the lockdown. When my contract ended I wasn't able to go back as a supply because schools were still closed. It was definitely nice having some time off but I was ready to go back to work. However having said that, I have always been very afraid of working in different schools because of COVID. Especially in kindergarten it is my job to be very upfront and personal with the children. Helping them get dressed for recess, helping them with class work etc. Also children under the age of 6 are not required to wear a mask in the school board so it's just another added risk for me. Before COVID I wouldn't think twice about working in different schools, in fact I would wake up everyday with so much excitement and anticipation to get a call to work. And now it's like the complete opposite, when I wake up my stomach is in knots.

In one month it will be 7 years that me and Joseph have been together and we are at a point in our lives that we are frequently discussing our future; when we are going to get married, how many kids we want, where we want to live etc. As a supply it's very difficult to be able to confidently plan our futures when theres an inconsistently of work. I could work everyday for a month and then the following week get only one call. I often feel disappointed that I am not able to provide as much in my relationship because of the nature of my job. I know that it takes time to get a full-time permanent position but at the same time even when I do secure a full time position with the board, the pay is low. PA day's are unpaid, march break, winter break and summers are unpaid. I got into ECE because it makes me happy. I love being in kindergarten and I can't imagine doing anything else. But I knew the downside of it would be low pay. When I was working towards getting my diploma I would tell people, "Ya I know the pay isn't good but it makes me happy and that's all that matters." And that's all that should matter but that's not realistic. Bills don't care if you are happy in your job, they just want to be paid.  

When I was working my contract I was so happy. Everything just made sense and I knew I was doing what I loved. Now that the contract is over, I am overthinking everything again, "Should I go back to school and become a teacher?", "Was this a good idea, should I have put my happiness over salary?", "Will I be able to provide for my family, should I re think this?" I hate these thoughts because I know in my heart what makes me happy and I know Joseph fully supports me but I also want to provide for my family, I want my children to have a good life, I don't want my choice in career determine the type of life my children will have. I know money isn't everything and the fact that I am happy in my job will probably mean that I will be a better mother then if I worked in a job that I hated, but it's hard not to think what type of life we could have if I was making more money. Do I want to go back to school for 4 years to become a teacher, definitely not, but is it a constant thought in my head, hell ya. Why does it have to be money or happiness. Some people are lucky to have a well paying job that they love and that's amazing but that's not the case of my career. Where I live the combined household income of $125,000 is considered middle class. As a full time DECE in the school board plus Joseph's income we would not make the much. Therefore where do we have to go to be able to live comfortably. I don't want my life to be penny pinching and passing up on things because we can't afford it. I have been applying to part time jobs to try and make some more money on the side. I have never in my life ever considered working more then one job and now I think that's the only way I will be able to really provide. Am I the only one that thinks about this kind of stuff or am I just a crazy? It's just so sad how difficult it's going to be for people of my generation to live the same lifestyle that our parents gave us. Things need to change big time in our economy, DECE's need better pay, housing prices need to come way down, but that's a stretch. 

6 years ago I would have told you that at the age of 25 I would be working full time, engaged and looking to buy a home. By the end of this year I will be 25, I am a long shot away from a full time job, clearly even contemplating it, I am not engaged and I am in no position to buy a home. I have learned that timelines are often not helpful tools. Ya it's great to set goals but it's also important to be flexible and understand that things don't always go as planned. Even after writing this rant today I am still so overwhelmed. I would love for you to drop a comment, whether it's a piece of advice, or if you just want to share a similar thought or experience. I'm sure I am not the only one who feels this way so I would love to start a conversation so that others don't feel like they are alone. Once again thank you all for reading, until next time :)

Deanna