Hi Readers,
As I sit here in my room and write this post all I can think about is how lonely I've been feeling lately. I remember back in August I was hanging out with my friends and family, sitting outside, enjoying the nice weather and feeling pretty comfortable because the numbers were only about a 100 a day. If you have been keeping up with my posts you know that I've been very anxious about COVID. I didn't leave my house for the first 5 months of the pandemic. It took a lot of strength and courage for me to finally go to the grocery store. I've dealt with anxiety for most of my life but with COVID it's amplified by 10 times. As the numbers decreased, the more comfortable I felt. I've been able to go and do things on my own with confidence. But now the numbers are beginning to increase and I'm starting to get worried again.
I haven't officially started yet but I did get a supply job as an ECE with one of the school boards in my area! I am so grateful and so excited to start my journey in Kindergarten, something I have been dreaming about for a long time but also very nervous due to the numbers drastically increasing. Health officials are projecting that by mid December Ontario will be logging 3000-4000 COVID cases a day. But this post is not about my anxieties about starting work - another post about that later lol.
I've been having so many mixed emotions lately; at times I'm sad, then I'm mad or frustrated. What makes me upset is that front line workers have sacrificed so much just to do their jobs and we did our part by staying home and social distancing but then by September everyone just started giving up and the numbers started right back up. What was the point of all the hard work we put in if we were just going to take 10 steps back. Our numbers have never been as high as they are now. People are doing what they want and it's not fair for the people who are still continuing to do their part. I miss my friends so much, I wish I could hang out with them but out of respect for others we aren't seeing each other. This makes me tremendously sad but this is what needs to be done. I have my parents and boyfriend living at home with me and I'm thankful for that, but feel like my friendships are in jeopardy because without that physical interaction it's hard to maintain them. I have never felt so alone then I do right now. And it sucks because winter is coming and it's not going to get any easier. This will be the first Christmas I will not be able to see my friends and family. A time of the year that's meant for gatherings and spending quality time with people. This Christmas will be spent like the last few holidays that have taken place this year, which will just consist of my household members. How can I have holiday spirit when there's nothing to feel jolly about. Christmas is my favourite time of year, it makes me so happy that no matter what is going on in my life, no matter if I'm having the worst day, coming home to see my house full of Christmas decorations, turning on the fire place, making myself a hot chocolate and putting on a Christmas movie, everything else fades away.
I really just don't know what to do. There are so many people that I wish I could just go and see but in my heart I know it's not the right thing to do. But maybe I'm wrong, maybe I should just be doing what everyone else is doing and going to see my friends. Texting is great, it's a way to stay connected, but it's just not good enough. Seeing people, being able to sit next to them and hug them, that's what we need as humans. What breaks my heart even more is knowing that a lot of my friends have young children and I really haven't been able to spend time with them. Children grow up so fast, they reach milestones in the blink of an eye and I'm missing out on all of those joyful experiences. I try my best to reach out to everyone to stay connected and updated but its just not the same as physically being with people.
This pandemic has not been easy to say the least. I've struggled with my own challenges during these last 8 months and there are more challenges to come but I know that I am not alone. We need to help one another through this difficult time, it's important to check up on your friends and family to make sure they are managing. This is the time to be an even better friend by letting everyone know you miss them, you're thinking about them and that you care. Thanks for reading. Stay safe.
Deanna
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