On Monday October, 28th 2019 I had to say goodbye to my best friend of almost 10 years. When I was in grade 8 the year of 2009 I begged my parents to buy a dog. My brother and I were old enough to help take care of one and I've always loved dogs. I was able to connivence them and so we began searching for dogs online. In January 2010 we came across a Maltese litter just 30 minutes from our home, so we booked a meeting to visit them. A few days later we went to visit the litter and the moment I laid eyes on those puppies I knew one of them was going to be mine. We all grabbed one to hold in our hand, they were so tiny and soft and were just so excited to see people. I said to my family, "I think we should get the one I'm holding." My dad replied with the same thing, he said look how calm and gentle this one is and he passed him over to me. I held him in my hand and then brought him to my heart and I said, he's the one. The women who was selling him approached me and asked me what I wanted to name him, I replied, Mickey. She then went to grab a blue collar and wrote Mickey on it and put it around his neck. She then said he was still too young to go home with us so in 5 weeks we could come back and pick him up. That night we were so excited we went to Pet Smart and started buying all the things we needed for Mickey, his bed, blankets, food, treats, toys etc. My parents bought me a book about Maltese's and I read the whole thing that night so that I was prepared and knew how to take good care of him.
On Friday March, 13th 2010 my family and I were finally going to pick up Mickey. I remember the night before I couldn't sleep because I was so excited to bring him home. We arrived at the house with his bed, blanket and toys in the back seat, the lady handed Mickey to me and I held him the whole ride home. When we got home we brought him to the family room and he began running around, chasing after some of the toys we got him, rolling on the ground and kissing us, it is the best day of my life. Over the next year Mickey was so easy to train, he was honestly such a good boy, he learned everything so quickly. I had so much fun teaching him tricks and showing them to people, they were always so impressed.
Those of you who knew Mickey knew that although he was so loving he had a lot of issues too. We could not figure out some of his health conditions and a lot of the times I would have to take care of it to the best if my abilities. At times he could be so stressful and frustrating but all I would think was how he must be feeling if this is how I feel. I absolutely adored Mickey, I would have done anything for him. I sacrificed a lot of my time to taking care of him and I would do the same if I had the chance to do it over. Nothing in this world was more important to me then him and everyone knew that. Although he was the family dog, everyone around us knew that Mickey was my baby and we shared a very special bond.
The week leading to his death we had no idea what was going on. In the middle of the night on a Sunday in October I woke up to the sound of scratching on the wall. Mickey used to sleep in my parents room and so when I heard scratching at my wall I knew it was him from the other side of it. I ran to my parents room to find him in their closet scratching at the wall, I assumed he needed to go outside. I then noticed he threw up next to his bed, so I knew something was wrong. I brought him outside to do his business then brought him back inside. Now I was fully awake and very concerned and so I grabbed his blanket, wrapped him up and rocked him back to sleep. He was making these noises as if he was in pain, it was so devastating but he finally fell asleep on top of me and then I followed. I had no idea what was about to come.
The next few days he was lethargic, not eating or drinking, throwing up and just not himself. I assumed he was sick, he must of eaten something outside. Finally after 5 days of this I said to my dad, "We are taking him to the vet." We called our vet and booked an appointment for the next day. We woke up and Mickey was a little better, when I went to go see him in the morning he was wagging his tail, which he hadn't done in a while, but you could tell he was weak. We brought him to the vet and he began taking some blood and doing a physical exam. He started asking questions about his behaviour and eating and I explained that this has been going on for 6 days now and he wont eat or drink or do anything. The vet said he should have the results by tomorrow and we would go from there, in the mean time he gave him a shot to hydrate him because he was extremely dehydrated from not drinking for so many days. He then gave him a relaxing shot to help with the pain so he could sleep. The rest of the day he was very sleepy, he didn't move from the spot we put him in at all. That night I had such a bad feeling, I didn't want to think it but I knew something worse was wrong with him. When I brought him to bed I said goodbye to him, tears running down my face. I hugged him so tight and I kissed him on his head. My parents said to me, "He's going to be fine we are going to get the results tomorrow and we can get him the medicine he needs."
The next day, Monday October 28th, 2019 I went to placement as part of my program at Seneca, my dad had the day off so he drove me and I held Mickey the whole ride there. As I got out of the car I hugged Mickey and kissed him on the head and then told my dad to call me as soon as he found out the results. I kept checking my phone every 5 minutes because I was so anxious. At 11:30 I finally had enough and went to the washroom to call my dad. When he answered I could tell he was crying, I said to him, "What is going on, what is wrong with Mickey?" He replied, "We have to put him down, he is very sick and he is suffering." All I remember was dropping to the floor, holding my cry because I was at work and wanting to punch the wall. I said to my dad, "There's nothing else we can do?", he replied, "No he is very sick, he is suffering and theres nothing we can do but just take his pain away." I then said, "Come and pick me up now I'm not staying here." I went to my supervisors office, holding my tears back and explained to her what was happening. She understood and allowed me to leave. My dad picked me up, Mickey was sitting in the passenger seat, I opened the door, grabbed him and sat him down on my lap. We got home and I went to sit on the couch, holding Mickey on my chest, close to my heart and just sobbed for hours. He just sat there, his eyes closed and making soft noises of pain. All I could think about was why is this happening, how did this happen, is this my fault, should I have brought him to the vet sooner, I'm not ready to lose him.
At 5pm it was time to bring him to the vet to be put down. I held him in my arms the whole car ride there. They put us in one of the rooms, I placed him on the table and wrapped him in a blanket so he could be more comfortable. It still hadn't really kicked in that in an hours time he would not be with us. I wouldn't be able to take him home, I wouldn't be able to hug or kiss him, I wouldn't be able to see his tail wag or see him do his tricks. When I woke up that morning I had no idea that I would have to be saying goodbye to my best friend. The vet came in and explained the procedure, how he wouldn't feel pain and that he would go peacefully. In that moment I was hoping he would say that there was something else we could do but he made it clear that he was suffering and I didn't want my baby to suffer. As much as it was killing me to say goodbye it was the best thing for him. The vet came in and gave Mickey a sedation so he would sleep and not feel anymore pain. He gave us some time to say goodbye and hold him one last time. When the vet came back into the room with the needle my father said to him, "How long will it take for him to pass?" and as the vet injected the needle into Mickey he said, "He's already gone." I remember just falling to the floor, like I had no energy left in my body, my legs gave out and the room was spinning. All I wanted to do was bring him back but I knew I couldn't, I wasn't ready for his passing, it all happened so fast. I felt robbed of time, I felt cheated, it wasn't fair, but death is never fair. Everyone said their last goodbye's and I asked if I could be alone with Mickey. I kissed his head and told him that I loved him so much and that I was so sorry that I couldn't save him. When we got home we all were silent. We sat down in the family room, the room he was placed in when he first arrived home and all I could think about was when he was a little puppy, watching him grow was the greatest joy of my life and it felt like a piece of my heart died. I held the blanket I took him to the vet with and just sat there crying. Unless you own a pet you don't understand how hard it is to say goodbye, they become a member of your family, and Mickey was my baby.
I didn't know how to process his death, like I said I wasn't expecting it, it happened so fast. But I was also very angry because it felt like the world was punishing me. Only 4 months ago was my parents accident and that was very difficult to overcome and as things seemed to be getting better, my beloved dog was taken from me. I had to deal with two very traumatic experiences so close together in time. Our daily lives and routines were about to change and you don't realize how different it is going from having a dog to not. Every morning I would greet him in my parents room, that wasn't going to happen anymore. Coming home from school or from being out, he would greet me at the front door with his tail wagging and jumping on you with excitement, that wasn't going to happen anymore. When I was sad and would cry he would approach me and sit on my lap and lick my hand, that wasn't going to happen anymore. For a long time I punished myself, I was upset that I didn't do something sooner, he was just a dog, he couldn't advocate for himself and it was my responsibility to take care of him and it felt like I failed him. The few months after his passing were extremely difficult. We celebrated our first Christmas without him and it was such a terrible feeling. For those who know me well Christmas is my favourite holiday, I fully decorate my house, I bake cookies, I watch Christmas movies etc. This year I had no motivation to do anything, my family had to encourage me to do those things so that I could remember the times I did it when Mickey was around. Almost 10 years he was apart of our family, almost an entire decade, I can't remember a time without him and now all my memories would be one's without him and I didn't like that feeling. I went through and continue to go through many different emotions and stages. Somedays I think of him and cry and other days I think of him and smile. I am still processing his passing and I'm still dealing with the various emotions I feel about it. What I have learned is that everyone grieves differently and we should all respect the way people handle their emotions. I also learned that no matter how much time has passed that Mickey's death will still be painful, time has nothing do with healing and when the emotions appear I will handle them to the best of my ability. I know that Mickey will forever be in my heart and that although he will be missing many milestones that I wish he could have been apart, he is right by my side through it all and that one day we will reunite again. I love you Mickey, you were my favourite hello and my hardest goodbye xoxo.
Deanna
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