Damn, it’s been a minute. I’ve come on here several times this year trying to find the words to say but every time I tried I just couldn’t do it. To find me at a loss for words is definitely not typical but I think now I’ve found what I want to say.
2023 has had a lot of ups and downs. For those of you that don’t know it was the year I got married, the year I moved into my first home, the year I switched careers and the year I went on my first vacation since my parents accidents. It was a year of first, and that all sounds amazing on paper (or in this case digital) but it wasn’t all rainbows and sunshine. The thing with social media is that we post the stuff that looks good and looks fun. But no one posts about the hardship, the breakdowns, the fights. Why would we? Why would we want to air out our dirty laundry, so that other people can judge? The thing with me is, I’ve always been honest, always been an open book. I think the more people talk about difficult topics the more we can connect with one another. At the end of the day we are all human, we all have our struggles and we shouldn’t feel ashamed and we shouldn’t feel alone.
To start off with some good, getting married this year was something so indescribable. That was hands down the happiest day of my life, truly. Could you believe that I woke up that morning (well to be honest I didn’t sleep much) but I got up with such calmness, me lol. I was so excited to walk down the aisle to see Joseph at the end of it waiting for me to start this next chapter of life together. It was a moment in our lives that I will never forget. All the planning and stress that went into it all for this one moment in time, sounds ridiculous but when you’re living that moment it all becomes worth it. Marriage hasn’t been easy. People told us it was going to be hard work and believe me it has. We have had our fair share of disagreements, but we have learned how to be better communicators and how to work together as a team. Which brings us to our next topic, living together.
Buying our first home was scary. Moving away from my family, all the financial burden and having to figure out how to maintain a home was difficult for us to navigate. We had a gas leak, AC issues, the list goes on. There were days all I wanted to do was hide in my bed, but the responsibilities of marriage and owning a home doesn’t stop because I had a bad day, or something is wrong with the house or I’m upset with Joseph about something. The problems don’t just go away on their own. So it was a huge learning curve but at this point, now almost being married and living together for a year, I can say with confidence we have grown so much individually and as a couple. Sometimes the best lessons in life are things you have to struggle through
As crazy as this sounds I started a new job. I wanted so badly to talk about this when it first happened but if I’m being honest I was so devastated. I mourned the loss of a job as if someone died. It was probably one of the hardest decisions I have ever made and something I contemplated for so long. And after the decision was made I kept thinking if it was a mistake. I’m happy where I am now, I work with great people and I’m contributing to such a large organization but I miss the kids. After all I got into teaching for them and I felt like I abandoned them. The system is broken and I couldn’t stay in it for my own mental health and wellbeing. Maybe things could have worked out if things were handled differently but we will never know. I can see myself building a career where I am now, somewhere I can feel proud of my work and my salary, and that’s all I ever wanted, was to feel good about myself in my job. At the end of the day a rewarding job doesn’t fulfill all your needs, I felt good about the work I was doing but I didn’t feel good about myself and that’s not okay. We shall see what this next chapter in my career will bring.
Going on my honeymoon had me with some many mixed emotions. I was so excited yet so nervous of the unknown. It had been 3 years since my parents accident and the last trip I’ve been on, so I didn’t really have a good taste in my mouth. Now I won’t get into specifics but I can say that the first few days were rough. I got sea sick and Joseph caught a cold so it didn’t start off great. It really made me feel like we made a mistake by going on such an elaborate trip for our first trip together. But things slowly got better and I have to say it was the best time ever. I was so proud of myself for going despite my fears and I’m so glad we made so many beautiful memories. On the last night I literally cried myself to sleep because I was so sad that our trip was over.
I can’t believe how far along I have come this year. I have grown so much as a person. I have conquered fears that I thought I would have never done. Therapy has really helped me find my confidence and tackle things head on and I’m so grateful for that. I’m truly excited to see what 2024 brings and I’m ready for the ride, even if it’s a bumpy one.
Wishing everyone a happy holidays and a wonderful new year!
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